No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
