today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is the high leading the old right now
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
