You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
