Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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