We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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