you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
