I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
