she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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