i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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