i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
