so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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