Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
