i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize