i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
