Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
