dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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