im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
