My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
