I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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