She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
