Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
