so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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