i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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