Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
