My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
