Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
