Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
