If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
