Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
too bad you live with your parents still
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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