Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
