I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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