God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
