oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
But theres a keg here and me gusta
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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