Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
