do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize