Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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