mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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