Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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