well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
