The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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