My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
