I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
