Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
