I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
