I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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