I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
