I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
