Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
