my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
