New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
