His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
