Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
