My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
