Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
