i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
