I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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