I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
