Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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