How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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