i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
