just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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