dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
