I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize