okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
