bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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