I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
