I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
