Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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