i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
