I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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