Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
